From a guy’s perspective: how I knew my wife was the one.
This article was originally published on Her Story Goes, a lifestyle blog that I co-founded with my best friend in 2016. After two years of giving it our all, we decided to call it quits in order to pursue other passions; the site will be permanently shut down in 2025. Rather than part with the content forever, however, I decided to display all of the 40-something posts that I wrote in that 2-year span on my personal blog. (I’m a nostalgic.) Hope you enjoy reading!
Inspired by Kristen’s previous post on the same topic, my husband decided to write his own version of how he knew I was the girl for him. I may be a bit biased, but I found his essay to be a quirky, fun, and insightful read—and thought it’d be worth sharing with all of you.
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There she was, sitting in our antique rocking chair, gently swaying back and forth. She beamed with a smile brimming from ear to ear. As she gazed back at me, with her short gray hair and wrinkled face, I knew in that moment, she was the one.
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A lot can be said about love. Some believe that “Love is patient and kind,” but for me, love had always been elusive. I fell “in love” with my first girlfriend at the age of 15. It was a destructive, one-sided relationship that lasted three years too long, but hindsight is always 20/20. I dated other women through college, each time being open to the possibility of marriage, but unable to fully imagine a life spent growing old with any of them. One way or another, each of my short-lived relationships came to an end.
It was once I had fully embraced singledom that my lovely wife came along. (Go figure.) I had shared a house with her brother in college, so for a while, I knew her only as my roommate’s sister. But when we reconnected over social media three years later, my curiosity won out and I invited her to my friends’ annual 4th of July party. To my surprise, she came. A bold move, considering the only person she would know was her big brother. Needless to say, we both had an incredible time getting to know each other. After hours of deep conversation, numerous emails and texts sent back-and-forth, and a weekend alone together in Austin, we began dating.
As much as I would like to discuss our fairytale romance, my point today is very different. How did I know my wife was “the one?” It is a simple question with a million answers, but there are a few that hold more weight than the rest.
OUR FIGHTS SAID A LOT
The first thing that made me believe we were meant to be together was how we fought. Yes, you heard me correctly, fighting! Before you go off half-cocked, hear me out. How you fight says a lot about your relationship. For example, how constructively can you disagree? Can you be flexible as a couple? In order to know the answers to those questions, you have to decide if you can you truly love the other person enough to disagree with them and want the best for them, in a way that allows both you and your partner to grow. After the puppy love fades in a relationship, it is important to see your partner for what they really are: human.
“You never truly know someone, until you fight them.” | Seraph, The Matrix Reloaded
Most people do not begin a relationship by fighting. Everything is perfect, effortless. Then somewhere along the line, reality sets in. The rubber meets the road. You begin to disagree with each other. That is an absolutely essential part of any relationship, and a healthy one, too. If you’re not disagreeing with your significant other, you’re not growing. Which is why most new couples cannot possibly predict if their love will be able to withstand the obstacles and challenges that life inevitably throws their way. Before deciding someone is “the one,” pay attention to how well both of you can approach your disagreements lovingly—with humility and mutual respect for one another.
TEMET NOSCE (KNOW THYSELF)
The next reason I knew my wife was “the one” was because I knew myself. I believe the real key to a successful relationship is to know how to be single (and happy). Again this may sound counterintuitive, but think about it: Why would someone want to be with you, if YOU don’t want to be with you? I have known too many people that have put their lives on hold to savor the hope of a significant other, without ever taking the time to figure out who they are as individuals. Why miss out on what single life has to offer? Even if you’re an introvert (someone who recharges in solitude) like me, there’s nothing wrong with spending time alone and doing what you love, whether that means sitting at home with a good book or watching movies on Netflix. One does not need to travel the world or go skydiving to be the person they are meant to be. I would, however, encourage everyone to delve outside their comfort zones every now and again.
Knowing yourself really boils down to understanding your strengths and weaknesses. For me, I understood that I was competitive and a bit rough around the edges. I also understood I needed someone who was more “go-with-the-flow” and a bit of a dreamer, as I can tend to be a little too planned and practical. Emily is all these things and more.
THE FRONT PORCH TEST
It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment that you realize your significant other is “the one,” but I’d say I knew about a year into our relationship. We had graduated from the honeymoon stage, and had just finished arguing about something trivial. It was one of those arguments where we simply agreed to disagree (even though I was right). Afterwards, she looked up at me with her big doe eyes and that’s when I saw it. I saw her as my wife 50 years from now.
“And, darling, I will be loving you ’til we’re seventy.” | Ed Sheeran, “Thinking Out Loud”
If any of you watch How I Met Your Mother, you have heard this referred to as the Front Porch Test, and boy did she pass. This moment was so clear and vivid. It felt like déjà vu, but for something that hadn’t happened yet. But I wanted that future. I wanted the laughs. I wanted her flaws. I wanted this life together. But most of all, I knew I wanted her.