The best crash wedding diet ever.

A few weeks ago, while browsing Pinterest for last-minute wedding ideas and coming across tons of fitness routines in the process, it occurred to me that I should probably consider going on some sort of wedding diet here soon if I want to look my best for the big day. All of the bridal sites and magazines I've read have very detailed sections specifically devoted to "getting in shape" before that momentous walk down the aisle. And you know, I can't say it's such a terrible idea. Two months from now, I'll be boogieing on the dance floor in a form-fitting dress in front of all 150 family members and friends. Pictures will be taken, and then shared and saved. For better or worse.

So I started thinking. What kind of health and fitness plan could I adopt for the next 60 days in order to look and feel like a million bucks—without depriving myself?

The Paleo Diet? Eh, been there, done that; I didn’t make a good caveman. I could try veganism…nutrition for hippies! Uh, no thanks. Gluten-free is all the rage these days, because apparently wheat is making us fat. I’m skeptical; Jesus ate bread for most of his life, and He looked pretty good. (My guess is it's just another basic white-girl fad.) Intermittent fasting might be a good one to consider, albeit a little out of the box. But honestly, a day without breakfast is a sad one in my book.

Then it hit me. What if I tried intermittent snacking instead? That's something even I could get behind! On a painstakingly slow day at the office, when my eyes can barely stay open (much less focused on a computer screen), the easiest way to survive nine hours at a desk is to munch. It really does make the day go by a lot faster. Plus, snacking's been proven to rev up the metabolism, right? It's a win-win!

THE DIET

Basically, I eat and drink a variety of foods and beverages (whatever I'm craving, really) throughout the day, usually in one-hour increments. This way, I rarely get hungry (read: hangry) or lack energy, and my body's constantly burning calories!

The first week, I decide to keep a food journal for informational purposes. Last Tuesday is a great example of my new eating habits, and also the only day I bothered to collect photographic evidence. This is what dedication to health looks like, my friends.

Food Journal for July 14th

6:30am — I start off the morning with a small handful of berries before leaving my apartment. Berries are good for you, full of antioxidants! But not much else. On the way to work, my stomach is growling like an angry gremlin, so I recklessly gobble down the last RX bar I can find in my gargantuan tote bag. A Coffee Cacao flavored one, you should know. (The best.) Twelve grams of protein will hold me over until lunch, I think. Totes.

7:00am — Once in the office, however, as I'm powering up my computer, it dawns on me that Amille's Café owes me a free drink via my completed punch card. From the way I'm smiling like a fool, you would think I won the lottery. Not ten minutes after arriving, there I go, practically skipping down to the tunnel to claim my free iced coffee (with a splash of whole milk, please). Coffee = energy. Energy = happiness. And happy people just don't shoot their husbands. Or fiancés.

10:00am — In the middle of a phone call about shut-in tubing pressures, I smell the salty deliciousness of crispy bacon wafting through the halls. That can only mean one thing: A bag of breakfast tacos are in the break room, and it has my name written all over it. How did I not remember it was Taco Tuesday? Damn RX bar. Okay, breathe. I can resist the temptation of a delicious taco if I try really hard. Maybe they will be all gone, I tell myself. I'll grab a bottle of water from the fridge instead. Gotta hydrate!

But no, there it is sitting on the counter next to the microwave, that beautiful white paper sack full of bacony goodne—huh? SAUSAGE? What monstrosity is this? I KNOW I smelled bacon. Hmm…Oh, wait, I think I see it! Hidden at the bottom in between little cups of spicy salsa: one bacon, egg, and cheese taco. Last one! This is providence. I can't just waste this lonely bacon-filled breakfast of champions, can I? Anyway, I'm working out today.

1:00pm — The caffeine from my morning coffee begins to wear off. I have just returned from the gym, where I spent thirty minutes on one of those stationary bikes. Jogging is my preferred method of cardio, but I'm currently nose-deep in the first book of the Divergent trilogy, and I can’t. Put. It. Down. I'll admit, my workout was kind of a joke. But in the chapter I just finished, Tobias kisses Tris for the first time, sooo I can't really say I care. (Oh, whoops, SPOILER ALERT.)

Even though I'm not terribly hungry, I go ahead and heat up my lunch anyway. They say the best time to eat is 30 minutes to an hour after exercising. (Although, I’ll admit I’m not exactly sure who they are.) Today, I have leftovers from the previous night's Thai takeout: vegetable red curry over black rice, my new favorite meal of all time. I've never eaten anything as soothing as curry. Give me some Asian comfort food any day.

Okay, it looks pretty gross but the tastiest foods usually do. And it’s got green things in it!

2:00pm — Fast forward an hour, and I'm craving something sweet. Good thing I keep a bar of 88% dark chocolate in my desk. Endangered Species is my favorite brand, because it helps save the animals. (And I'm all about saving animals.) I nibble on a couple of squares. Thank God for chocolate, am I right? The darker, the better! I convince myself mid-swallow that there's no way I could ever live without it, in fact. As I check my work email for the hundredth time (nothing new), I begin to wonder what other material things I couldn't live without. The internet (sigh), Q-tips, books, coffee…

Which reminds me, I NEED COFFEE.

2:30pm — Rather than making my way down to Amille's for the second time today (don't want the baristas thinking I have a problem), I decide to take a walk to the nearby convenience store to pick up a few needed items while I'm at it. Inside the shiny glass doors of the refrigerated section, I spot this gem of a beverage sitting on the bottom right between a Russian Java Monster and a sugar-free Red Bull: Starbucks Lightly Sweetened Iced Coffee.

On my way to the checkout counter, I snag a pack of blueberry gum as well. I can't stand coffee breath (and neither can my main squeeze).

I end up drinking half of the 11 oz. bottled coffee and saving the other half for tomorrow morning. (Turns out, it's a little too artificially sweet for my taste buds.)

5:00pm — My work day finally comes to an end! I gather my personal belongings and head to my car, my grocery list on the brain. A quick stop at Whole Foods is in order, because…

6:00pm — It's my mom's birthday this week, and I've volunteered to cook a nice dinner for her and the family tonight at Scott's place. This gives me an excuse to eat something other than microwave popcorn or a peanut butter sandwich. While I frantically prepare the one and only well-balanced meal I'll have today (cooking never fails to stress me out), my guests and I snack on red wine and sliced salami. 

7:00pm — Sixty minutes later, I'm at my wit's end, everyone is starving, and dinner is finally on the table. We thank God for our food and dig in! On the menu is red snapper with lemon butter sauce, mashed potato cakes, and roasted asparagus. Sadly, I'm too preoccupied making sure everything tastes alright to take any photos, but I'm pretty sure it looked similar to this photo by a guy named Joe:

8:00pm — Diet or no diet, I'm a firm believer that dinner is never complete without dessert. Jason surprised Mom (and the rest of us) with homemade chocolate covered strawberries and vanilla pudding cups! I had one of each, because life is too short.

So there you have it! One full day of my fun-and-effective crash wedding diet. It's only been a few days, but so far, I've found that it works wonders! On my mood, at least. Verdict's still out on my waistline.